Sunday, October 25, 2009

oh my

Today was uneventful. i mean i went to church, sang and that was pretty much it. i couldnt sleep due to the fact of my knees on fire( expression) and i feel super old. i have back problems and knee problems and i lose my memory more times than my actual grandmother. hehe. well ne ways having a hard time with hw right now. all the topics are kind of hard to fufill but i'm trying! gotta pass!!!!!! that's all for today..see you tomorrow

Friday, October 23, 2009

hey hey hey

Went to Ape and had a blasty blast. but hey i do alot of these news casting for my major here in college if you want to see more. go to my You Tube site.

Well nothing really new. Just doing hw i miss home alot and i feel so weird in my classes. i feel like i'm not up to their standards and everyone is ten times sucks...well i'm just gunna keep trucking. Hoping i'm doing the right thing.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Image reflection

I had to pick a picture and reflect on it and i picked this one since its always staring at me in the face..i wrote this at 3 in the morning for my 12:00 class the next day and well it made the class cry and my teacher speechless.

Prisoner of Love

By Alexis McLeod

Boy meets girl. They become friends then find out they like each other. Then fall in love. Date for a while. Get married and have kids. Grow old and die together. Typical romantic structure right? Not for me, just not this time. No one can get their fairy-tale ending. Still, the way he looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes that when the sunlight hit them just right, it could light up a room. His smile can make any gray cloud zoom away any time, any day. When I am close, I forget to breath and my heart beats like a humming birds wings. His voice as he says good night or I love you, sends a tingling sensation from the top of my neck down to my little toes. The way he sleeps on my lap after a long day and I can feel his chest moving up and down as he inhales and exhales. It makes me feel so comfortable. How I fit so perfectly into his arms every time he holds me and I never want him to let go. And no matter what we are doing I can’t help but smile. When he’s close to me…my heart is so warm, like the sun on a spring afternoon.

You may look at this picture and agree with all of the things I just said. But my smile has become a frown. His eyes full that were full of happiness has be come full of anger like a bull about to charge. The arms around me that once held me so close, becomes pointing and waving in the air frantically. His words of I love you and good night become, you never have time and, you just don’t get it. When he does get close my heart does beat fast but for a reason uncertain at this point. The tingling sensation becomes a heat of rage surging all over. My heart that was once warm now feels cold like a long and snowy winter. And the smiles…have turned into frowns, completely expression less. I look at this picture now after 5 years of togetherness; will stay forever in this picture like a prison in a frame. I will forever hold it close; because it is the only way I can ever see your face everyday…

Monday, October 19, 2009


I love the rain! its raining to today and all i could think about is running around or dancing in the rain. then wanting to kiss Kris in the rain. I dunno why? i mean i know we aren't together but at the same time i want him to be here to hold me and feel our bodies close. so close i can feel his heart beat faster when he inhales. it drives me crazy. i think i just need someone to love me and cuddle with. that's what it feels like now a days since he's not here....ugh

Friday, October 16, 2009


lately been feeling pretty fucking small with my dorm mates and all my friends being soo good at drawing and at their major. Just feel like why am i here i mean i want to be soo good sometimes but i feel like i should be here to show everyone that i can be the best and rock at it. but then again its like what am i doing here..can i really make it? I dunno and the fact that i want to be with the guy i liked for 5 years but he cant change for me but then like this guy who doesnt even notice my feelings and if i do tell him it will change everything. I cant sleep b/c of all this confusion and all this...this crap! i dunno i hate it..i wish i can jus solve everything in a instant. but sadly i cant......FML

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


well i can see that it doesnt matter what i do. i will always be put down for every idea i have. i mean what is the point of people telling me that well that's not great or wait...havent you done that before? no oh well it seems like it and if it was its stupid. wow people give me a freakin bone huh. then you give me help by asking someone is is younger than me to help me out! what the fuck does that person know that i dont. wow

Monday, September 28, 2009

chill day kind of

well sitting in my dorm room alone kind of wishing i had my own place but at the same time i actually like having some peeps in my room to say hello to when i come home or have a good day when i leave. but privacy is also keen. i dunno

oh also i have to pay 334 dollars to my housing. we have financial aid and it pays it off then gives us the left over money from the loan but then a day after there is still money that hasn't been paid yet? who in the world is counting all the crap up? i mean wow. it says you must pay this much. we search for a loan then its all paid off, giving us some money left over but then we find out that there was money that wasn't paid!!!! sooo freakin dumb!

Thursday, September 24, 2009


its weird that i'm thinking about death but i mean it just seems it like sleeping and dreaming for the rest of you life or falling asleep then waking up in heaven.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

God mother time

Kupokake Diary numba 1

Hello everyone,

This is my first time ever blogging. its pretty weird but its nice since i need a little vent done and its ok since i wont actually see the people i blog to and i need a stress reliever. i hope i spelled that right. hehe. Any ways i saw my godmother today and i haven't seen her in a while. well she hid the fact that she was pregnant from me and my mother so i was seeing her little accident for the first time. It was a beautiful baby girl and when she came out she was a three pound baby. When i held her it was all in her butt like big time. that's all the weight! I am hoping my baby will be a little bit bigger even though she was the cutest thing ever! I've always wondered how most kids can grow up to be 115 or so but then if they are a star or celeb on tv they only live to be 50 or less. i mean c'mon? there was a lady from LA who lived t be 115 living off of ice cream, fried chicken, and bacon. but heath ledger lived to be what in his 40's and was sleep deprived and barely ate. i mean ok they are artist ok i get that but i mean this lady was alive for so much and she did just fine. So i dont understand...maybe i'm jus being pushy.Well till next time kiddes!
Truly yours,